i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
a search helicopter?!
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
