I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize