i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
