That's intense
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
