Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
