Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Randomize
