Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
