I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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