i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I checked into jail on foursquare
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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