Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
