yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
