I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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