Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
