just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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