He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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