when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
