haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
