you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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