I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
