I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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