having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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