thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
