like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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