I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He shit in the fireplace
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
