if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
