Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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