Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
