Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
