I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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