i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Randomize
