i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize