so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
