My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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