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Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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