So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize