i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Randomize
