giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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