I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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