I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
