Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
