he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
