Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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