Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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