She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
