i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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