Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
