dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
