Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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