She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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