He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
