He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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