you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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