Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
