My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
